Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
