new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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