cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?