just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
