Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
