He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
