I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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