her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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