If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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