where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
We're too hungover to prance.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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