Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
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You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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