Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
