Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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