So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
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While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
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this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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