Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
