so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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