i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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