Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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