How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
