Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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