Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
