i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
