I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
