my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
