Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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