I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
