omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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