my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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