im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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