I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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