He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
