I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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