'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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