i would punch a child for taco bell
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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