Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
