You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
