You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
