Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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