We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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