oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
