Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
