I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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