i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
