I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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