My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
