I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
