Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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