my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
