I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
