Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
