I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
