Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
