i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
