remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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