He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
